I'm surprised I didn't puke tonight
So we've decided on 'hamburger' as your code for tonight. If you add ketchup or fries, we know the threat level has escalated.
she looks like luggage that fell from a plane
My wife googled 'purchase vibrator.' Not sure if I should be excited or offended.
You weren't just peeing. You were like grinding on it. And you tried to pee in the washing machine first.
I think I'm about to have sex with a second person before noon hehehhe! You're welcome America.
I don't think everyone found it as funny as I did... Nothing says "Party's Over" like the sound of a pump action shotgun.
Apparently it's illegal to hit pedestrians with coke cans... But the cop complimented my arm. That's a win in my book.
do you think your dog feels awkward being in the background of your nudes?
i have nothing going on in my life. unless a toxic love triangle with netflix and jack daniels counts.
He called me khaleesi while I rode his dick. He wins
I love the barter system - he got laid and I got him to bring me some ibuprofen. A win-win really.
I just had sex with a man wearing a Darth Vader helmet....he pressed the voice button the whole time that said "I am your father". I don't think I can ever come back from this
Can't meet up at the party. Gary was caught by the cops attempting to drop a deuce thru his ex wife's Subaru via sun roof. Details as soon as bail is processed.
I'll seduce him with my charm, after all, I am a graceful swan.
More like a demented cow.
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