does your mom think i'm crazy? i just realized i played both the gay dad and the ex-jew card tonight. i blame the wine
what's Bukake?
a bad idea.
I am sitting on my kitchen floor drunk with a bottle of jose cuervo, tryin to make cinnamon rolls and write a paper. I love college
I'm drinking a margarita out of my 'best bj' trophy and it tastes like victory.
The only ground rules are no one is allowed to come who will say "no, that's a bad idea" or "what if we get arrested?"
You should know I just got pulled aside by TSA because they found a bottle of Bud Light in my backpack... Thanks for that...
she just blew up the empty bag of wine and used it as a floatation device.
He's the second guy this morning whose job is jeopardized because of my vagina.
You're the third person who's asked me for an afternoon blow connection in one day. Unreal.
That's more of a you-issue than a me-issue
How the fuck am I supposed to enjoy a third ice day from school if I only bought enough alcohol for 2?
I don't know, maybe act like an adult who teaches children for a living
It's like we're not even friends
He's drunk and I'm pain-killer high and we're about to watch fireworks at disney world. It's gonna be fucking magical
She's cool and all but if she eats my food again I'm gonna fucking drop kick her ass. No one touches my lunchables. NO ONE.
I was going to be upset with you on moral grounds but then i realized free chocolate was involved
I might be a bit late, couldn't find my pants and had to go to the police station. Unrelated
I woke up thinking it was Friday. I was disappointed (to say the least). I am pretty sure I have gained the quarantine fifteen (but I won’t know until I try to put something other than elastic-waisted shorts on). And I am probably going to need dentures because I am grinding my teeth so much. But hey--this is temporary, right?
Randomize
