i'm not a human right now. not even a dancer.
I met the friendliest cop last night
Okay so if I'm going to keep referring to my hangover in the third person it needs a name.
I want to spend time with you, and by time, I mean real time. Not your dick in my mouth time.
Guy in our group took down a chick in a wheelchair last night.
Mom just Facebook checked into an Applebees at 2am. Caption: ''WITH THE BESTIEZ.''
The black hole just entered the party man, I can literally see guys starting to move towards her.
The next time you try to drunkenly strip me in public let's make sure it's not anywhere near the daiquiri factory or a group of police officers.
I desperately wanted to wear your shirt.
Usually I just ask myself "have I been naked here?" If the answer is no I correct the situation.
I haven't been hungover in so long I'm actually looking forward to it
We were cuddling in his bed and I asked him a question and followed by making a microphone with my hand and told him to speak into it. If he never talks to me again that's probably why.
Also, asking the guy who just told you he is crippled on edibles to watch your kid is probably frowned upon by most
My ex boyfriend literally just asked "who needs porn?". This is EXACTLY why I dumped his ass.
Sextember may be over, but Cocktober is just beginning!!!
Having a bangable neighbor is going to ruin my booty call game. I refuse to go across town for dick now
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