So I walked out of my room and there was my brother....standing naked
i woke up today to a handjob from this really fat girl that keeps calling me michael phelps
thats the mark of a good guy. when you can period all over his leg and he still thinks you're beautiful!
Beer is about to convince me to do something really stupid.
When he came he kept saying "oh god oh god" and he sounded just like his dad. awkward...
Ok, so for future reference, in Rome, "piano bar" means "brothel".
I would have thought, as two of my best friends, you girls could have cought me as I fell out of the shower. There are so many bruises.
Got paid to make out with a girl. It takes skill to be this drunk and still make money
But I wanna cuddle and just put my hand awkwardly close to your penis area by accident and look at you
He paid the bartender with money from the tip jar then proceeded to hit on me in front of my date. I love frat dances
The Blue Grotto manager called. He asked me for your name and number. Apparently, on reviewing the videotape he noticed you consumed a whole pizza by yourself. He indicated that he has a tshirt for you and wants to put your picture on his eating wall of fame. Apparently, you are the first such person to complete this incredible feat of eating. Congratulations to you!! I am so proud.
He is dating a girl who is on the Olympic shooting team...I've never been so scared to hit on a guy with a girlfriend in my entire life.
Like he and the nurses kept being so persistent with it and I just wanted to run out of there in my backless gown and yell FUCK OFF BITCHES IM OUT
Next time I will hook the Xbox before I get high I spent 30minuts thinking I was playing the Simpsons game when it was in reality a tv episode
Just trying to show you I care.
Isn't it supposed to be "what would you like for dinner?" instead of "how do you take your blow?"
Hey, you're the one who asked me to mc to move in.
Randomize
