The first sip always goes straight to my vagina.
Gentlemen...shes not going to tie her self to the table...
Remind me to tell you the Scottish bar story tomorrow
Remind me to tell you it was a shitty story when you're done telling it tomorrow
Took an aderol, wrote a differential equation for solving volume of flow of a rectangular channel with change in depth, then masturbated for the 6th time.
the whole city is out of plan b pills. this is the meanest game of musical chairs ever.
I hope in my next life I'm a sterile trophy wife. With a husband who showers me in wealth and gifts but can't get a hard on. Do you think my karma is good enough for that?
exactly. I want him to have to live with the fact that he fucked me. I want him to look me in the eye and say "you were a drunken mistake".
My one night stand said I love you, opened my fridge, stole my cream cheese and left.
Right as the plane left the gate the brownies kicked in. I dont think the guy next to me appreciated my engine noises as we took off
No he can't come. I swear to gods he's "Why We Can't Have Nice Things" given physical form.
his penis was like the majestic horn of a unicorn and I came like a million trumpeting rainbows.
I just asked my mom if I could be the drunk realitive at the reunion. She said as long as I'm not obvious.
I've literally slept one hour I'm honestly just surprised you can insult me this early
She fucked a bartender in a closed Applebee’s and has the nerve to call me easy
Gonna do a few lines then clean my room so I can feel like my life is somewhat in order.
Randomize
