I accidently shit my pants. So I tried to throw my underwear in their lake, but they floated. So in the middle of the night, I got into the paddle boat and had to throw a rock on top of them so they would sink. Next time, I just won't shit myself.
She has 2500 facebook friends. I probably should have used a condom.
a girl just walked by me crying on the phone saying, "all I ever do is menstruate"
You just kept walking around saying "my brain is soup" then sat on the kitchen counter washing your feet. You bit the guy that tried to help you down
When did I go from having sugar daddies to being one? And does it count as a tax write off?
I can't believe I left out the part about him peeing on the side of Route 2 at 3 a.m. while wearing a dress.
This question may sound intrusive, but how did pushing out a baby affect your vagina?
This doesn't mean I'm going to attempt to find happiness with smooshy dick
Wrong. I really wanted to see the movie. And she was on top of me like she was riding a mechanical bull. Who am I to complain? I live to serve.
Learn from me. Do not smoke cigs and fold laundry in your room. The cigarette will fall into the dresser without you noticing and your shirts will be on fire. Wanna go shopping tomorrow? I need some new shirts.
Also, if you don't fuck me soon, I will die. I don't want to die like that.
Why didn't we pregame for this?
Because it's breakfast!?!
Okay everything with a penis is officially dead in my eyes
So I forgot to ask, how was that bartender you slept with two weeks ago?
Google chlamydia.
I’m going to Lewinsky this place
That makes no sense, but it sounds terrifying
Randomize
