im so horny i just used my electric toothbrush to masturbate. god help me
Watching Fresh Prince at 9am with a beer in hand and he just said to Uncle Phil "Sometimes I worry that I'll never get my life together." I feel like that was a sign from above or something
i promise the blood crusted on your tits is from him motorboating you after he tripped into the pool stick. nothing else.
So... Sorry I threw that watermelon at you the other day. I didn't think it would break any bones.
Between my vag yelling at me for having bad sex and my legs yelling at me for going to the gym I cant hear myself think.
No, I don't just love you because you have big boobs. I just wouldn't visit as often.
How did "just two beers for happy hour" turn into naked backyard wrestling?
im actually trying to see how many sex dolls we need for our raft so we can stay buoyant while we attack kayakers
The next time you try to drunkenly strip me in public let's make sure it's not anywhere near the daiquiri factory or a group of police officers.
I desperately wanted to wear your shirt.
My puffy vagina and I are on the way to the doctor to see what your mutant penis did to us THANKS A LOT
Just took adderall with about half a bottle of red wine...i have stopped trying for this last exam
Like, I can't stand that bitch, but i genuinely hope she gets the help she needs
Fun fact: You might be drunk if your vision is so blurry that you almost ask "do you know where my glasses are?" while you're wearing them.
I was singing Colors of the Wind and swigging vodka and still felt like more of an adult.
hey i'm sure you are probably asleep bc you suck and think sleep is necessary to live or something?
Randomize
