Upperdeckered the toilet. Took sombrero off, drawing too much heat. Witnessed glassing. In bush, come findme.
He taped the number 420 over all of his clocks
Not gonna lie i was comfortable between the allsups air conditioners while you were talking to the cop.
we drunkly made out in the middle of the street beside the homeless guy playing the flute. Not how I imagined our first kiss.
as much as i want to say no i cant cause i need the trophy wife training
Being home sucks. I haven't drank in like a week. Or smoked cigs. Or done drugs. Or had sex. My body is shutting down.
Omg. It's like you're one of those deprived kids living in a third world country. We need to save you.
For the first time ever I'll be using my lunch break to pass out cold on my desk. We've gotta stop having these late night drinking things on Sundays
I feel like I should pray to the god of Febreze, because it is like it washes away the smell of all my sins from the bed
I may have just poured a honey apple beer onto a dried apple slice to rehydrate it. This is my day.
and then after the older sorority girl asked me his name she said "he gave me the rest of his mcdonalds and I decided to go home with him. it was the best that I could hope for my night"
Hey do you remember me?
You were a giant banana.... how could I forget.
As of right now, my vibrator and a bag of snickers share the same drawer
MASS TEXT: Next weekend I will be in town for St. Patty's day. There will be a bonfire and liqour olympics. We will have booze but in order to participate it is byob. Upon arrival everyone will be asked to sign a waiver. I am not responsible for liver failure, death, loss of clothing or memory, bites, scratches, hickies, pregnancies, or any other for of injury you may obtain while participating. There will be ridiculous amounts of green glitter, be prepared to puke it up. ALSO WEAR SOMETHING GREEN OR YOU WILL BE PENALIZED!! AUTOMATIC 5 SHOTS. HAPPY GAMING!!!
The cl.oudds are foaming a really big pen.Is OMG.
These freshmen are fun! The redhead wants to practice her blowjob skills with me and let me rate different moves!
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