I hate thxgiving break now because that totally means I'm not able to have sex for a week.
Either I'm a lot drunker than I thought, or he has three dicks....
I think I'm gonna have to go with the first one...
Just woke up to my stoned boyfriend building a shrine around my bare ass. He'll never leave me.
i'm forwarding you the dirty picture of that fat girl that likes me sent . i feel like since youre my best friend you should puke in your mouth too .
Damn you and your Monday night power hours.
People were drinking out of 26ers with straws, and somewhere someone yelled "fill me with dicks!" I'm home.
Guy just came in wearing only shorts, on his hand was written - my name is ... Call ... And tell them where i am, thanx - in permanent marker, ordered his favorite dish, and left w/out touching it. It's snowing outside.
Would you like to partake in getting high as fuck with your best friend and then proceeding to cry over the shit head guys we deal with?
I actually had to tell him that sex doesn't replace my Tupperware. Our relationship has reached a weird level.
40s are totally the cure
What's Spanish for "I shouldn't have worn these underwear to work?"
Why let a Christmas Eve hangover ruin a perfectly good Christmas Day acid trip?
Well, I like big penises but it's not like he walks around with it out or anything so yes I think he has beautiful eyes
Honestly, this social distancing bullshit is giving me a good excuse for drinking alone.
Talk all the shit you want but I slept in a oversized monster truck tire last night.
Randomize
