just had sex in his gielfriend's bed, and puked all over it. i need to get out of here.
They're having chugging contests. With juice. Please get me out of Utah.
Just walked by a yard full of girls wearing bikinis. I did my best to stare.
I just want you to know I tipped the cab driver $10 last night because I felt bad that he didn't have healthcare.
It's going to be great. We're a perfect team to break up marriages and happiness.
level of my singleness - just ate a whole pizza topless in bed.
Doing lines of coke with a $100 dollar bill off a 6in x 9in photo of your childhood self really tells you where you where you've gotten in life.
wanna tell me why theres a glass of water stuffed with tamptons in the freezer?
He's trying to marry me, when is the appropriate time to tell him my real name and that Dallas is a completely fictitious slutty alter ego? I need the advice of someone with morals.
you were like "guys ... i think i got fingered while dancing tonight"
our poor poor cab driver
I was stalking his twitter and saw that he used punctuation in a hashtag. Thank god we didn't work out because I can't be with someone that incompetent
No we were too stoned to stop you from wiping the peanut butter all over the car.
I feel awkward having to tell people “sorry you can’t finger me because I will get a UTI and I don’t have health insurance”
Hangover and judgement, the breakfast of champions.
He showed his fake to the cop and was like "does the coloring look off to you?"
Randomize
