I woke up at 1pm, looked in the mirror and fist pumped...I might still be drunk
Jake just asked if thanksgiving was an american thing...I left the table
Wouldn't pinatas filled with coke be awesome idea for cinco de mayo?
85% positive I just found a hair of a certain variety wayyy in the back of my mouth between two teeth while flossing.
My little brother got home at 4am too, we drunk ate together. It was a kodak moment.
Now they're talking about doing whiskey shots since they're flipping the turkey over. You might need to drive me home.
And then, I saw the prophecy come to fruition. It was the Dick of Destiny.
Word of advice, don't put your jar if peanut butter in the microwave, blue fire comes out
I'm tellin ya, let the nipple get some air, they'll hire u on the spot, lawyers love a little nip
In the middle of blowing him I looked at him and said "Your so old..." and then continued. I need to stop drinking.
My dad lost his bandaid somewhere in the turkey. It was a mixture of thanksgiving and an Easter egg hunt
Man, it's really obvious that I was either handcuffed or tied up last night. Either way, not something you'd want coworkers knowing.
You better have a raging boner when I get to your house and it better be worth missing work in the morning.
Last thing googled on my laptop last night was vagina chaffing. What the fuck?
You ever fart so hard it made you cum a little? A "friend of mine" wanted to know.
Randomize
