The handjob she gave me was better than the best blowjob I've ever gotten.. Just imagine the possibilities.
I'm going to pre plan my black out tonight. I think I'll set a change of clothes out on my bed and unplug the oven.
i knew it was time to leave the bar when i caught myself doing karate dance moves with a married man.
You overflowed the toilet cuz you tried to flush apples. you said they were singing too loudly
When did we convert life to cartoon?
I'm so high that I'm intently watching my neighbor move his car back and forth in order to put his motorcycle in the garage, and getting irritated that it seems so complicated.
When she asked why I felt bad I said that it may have had something to do with the gin and cold pizza I had for breakfast.... And then I reflected on what my life has become.
It's like sexual waterboarding. You gave me sex so good I'm comparing it to torture. Jesus.
Your boyfriends underwear are hanging from my kitchen window. Where the fuck are you?!
I just sneezed and margarita mix and ash came out of my nose. I love jersey
if you come you're not allowed to wear pants. if you arrive wearing pants you won't be wearing them long.
What's your opinion on eating ass? Just looking for a yes or no
Oh man I knew I took that Molly too soon, talkin to some Scottish people lol but don’t like rollin in pizza restaurants.
I may have just got motorboated by a male stripper who told me I should be a porn star and not a vet student.
You did an excessive amount of blow and then screamed "WHO THE FUCK NEEDS A LADDER?!" And then Mario style wall-jumped onto the roof. It was one of the most impressive things I've ever seen.
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