And no, shaving doesn't make it look bigger, either
and my herpes radar will keep us safe
at home by myself drinkin the left over champagne from my party... who says my birthday has to end?
heey were did you guys go? last time i remember seeing you i was throwing up in the fountain
I just remembered you had me meet your law professor while I was wasted...how'd that go?
We found him sitting in a beach chair in the basement storage room passed out. Idk if we should move him or pass the bowl around.
I watched her follow him out of the bar, chase him around the corner and literally throat punch him. It was awesome.
i formally give you permission to eat me when i pass out
He has been feeding me cheesecake and candy for breakfast. Naked. For three days. How am I ever going to leave????
i had a super strange, mommy/daddy issuestastic, mildly freudian, i-might-as-well-become-a-stripper-now-and-stop-fighting-the-inevitable dream last night :(
how does spending your day off taking me to the hospital sound?
You tried to steal my pants at 3am saying they were yours and somebody was gonna die, not cool dude
And my cousin was so drunk he called an uber and instead he got into a cop car and they took him to the hospital
Can you bring me some underwear? I feel uncomfortable going underwear less at a Remembrance Day ceremony.
Beer. Pizza. Seething Rage. I will be full of two of these things tonight. You get to decide which two.
Randomize
