well my last 2 orgasms were over shoe sales at macy's. what does that tell you?
You really need to take down the pics of you and your boyfriend on facebook. It's becoming increasingly harder to jerk off while i'm Facebook stalking your pics at 2am.
he let me duct tape his mouth because i said it was my fetish, i really just wanted him to shut up
You were directing traffic around her for 30min after she passed out in the middle of the road.
You really are best friends.
the cop didnt laugh with me when he patted me down and pulled out my flask.
I found a horn on the street but it's okay I disinfected it with vodka
drunk enough to drink jager bombs out of a bowl on the kitchen floor.
I still havent gotten an apartment yet, so I crash random college parties...get so drunk and then sleep on their couch
I don't care how drunk you were. Sending me a pic of your dick dressed as Uncle Sam with the caption "I want you" isn't an acceptable pick up line.
I just yelled at a bunch of girl scouts for yelling "cookies" to loudly. That hungover
I vaguely recall putting a toaster in the freezer.
I swear she is the Mary Poppins of drugs
PUT DOWN THE JOINT AND STEP AWAY FROM THE TRUSTAFARIAN
I've peed in two sinks in the past two weeks. No one should be able to say that.
We need to know if his feet match his cock.
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