I think horse shit smells the best of all shits.
nailed a girl as she was wearing a darth vader shirt. Cross that one off my list.
We are lost and the only things we have are peanut brittle, cookies and vodka. I think we'll make it.
i had them turn on teen mom at the bar so i wouldnt be tempted to go home and make babies with the guy next to me
What is their policy on bow ties and belligerence?
He offered to teach me how hula hoop in exchange for acid. I took him up on it.
His penis contains the glue that keeps this relationship together.
We held a candle light vigil outside the jail hoping for her release, until we realized we were drunk in the jail parking lot.
He said we would have a beautiful daughter together. That way too much for a one night stand...
I need a nap, Harry Potter movies, and dick in this exact order after work.
He snorted adderall on my table. I have a feeling he's not trying to buy me flowers
Do you remember the guy that smelled like hot dogs?
Some guy walking down the sidewalk just looked at me and said "hey it's the world champ". How drunk was I on Friday...?
Its because she suspects I'm a frequent drug user, which I am, but I am going to make her feel like she is crazy for believing it.
Do you realize our room single-handedly hooked up with most of that wedding party last night?
Randomize
