He came in the heat vent in my car. Don't ask how it happened.
I woke up hungover and reached for a glass of water only to realize too late that it was vodka sprite with my splooge in it.
you told me heaven would be the 3 of us at Moe's forever and every hot girl that walked in would ask us to play stone face
He doesn't need a wingman, he needs a miracle
well when do great stories at the expense of people's relationships become a bad thing?
These fall allergies are really hindering my cocaine habit.
someone needs to make a hangover cure that isn't cocaine.
Between the booze, mechanical bulls, and penis's I think my body hates it when I'm single
Just used "I used to work as an inflatable toy operator" as a pick up line. Freshman frenzy is great...
When I'm famous, she'll look at her kids and go "I saw her buttcheeks beefore she was famous. I'm truly blessed."
He's passed out. He nodded his head when I asked if he's alive though...so there's that
I changed his contact info to "NO" and a picture of satan
I think I passed out drunk at my own jewelry party
It happend again, swimming on the floor... Vodka is my friend
just because he was passed out beside the toilet, didn't give you tge right to pee on him
my aim is off when im drunk
Randomize
