sleeping like a two year old who chased ambien with a bottle of whiskey.
are you serious? he told me he had to cancel bc his grandma came into town
well unless his grandma is 21 and blonde, HE LIED TO YOU IDIOT
I lost count of how many people I peed on last night.
It's like there's a party and my mouth and everyone's throwing up
I was the last girl at the bar last night. It was like a battle royale between 10 guys.
im not 100% but im pretty sure at some point i was rubbing ur bf's beard telling him how magnificient i thought it was
he told me not to treat him like a child and then started peeing off the trampoline
He thought my hair would soak it up. I HAD TO CUT IT OFF.
I mean I want to be happy but it's a train wreck that you can't look away from
Did you really just call a picture of your erect penis art?
just reached the point where my breast implants paid from themselves in free drinks.
You leaned over to me in the elevator and whispered "how long do I have to pretend to be sober?"
Uhmmmm is there really any way to tactfully ask "you into me jerking you off with my feet... or nah" cause if you find one let me know 😂
Why is there bacon in the couch?
Why did I wake up covered in glitter next to a half eaten cheeseburger?
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