I found the TV remote. It was in the washing machine along with the chicken wings you kept complaining to Domino's about that they 'never delivered'
it wouldnt have been so bad but she still had the cowboy hat on when my mom walked in
he made transformer sounds every time he changed positions. how do you think it went?
Okay so if I'm going to keep referring to my hangover in the third person it needs a name.
when she was 9 she got kicked out of our 4-H camp dance for pole dancing on the spirit stick
So I realized I was officially over him when I was getting a lap dance on the keg bus at 3am from his old boss and I was double fisting:)
It just goes to show you, your dreams can come true. You can hook up with your dads hot married friend.
yes i am an adult who snuck out of my parents house to cuddle with a guy and then came home and listened to taylor swift. judge me all you want.
Like I feel like I use my high IQ for the wrong things
I just remember looking over and seeing you on top of him and us high fiving. That's when I knew we'd be perfect roommates
Did you know there is a guy on the porch, wrapped in your snuggie, singing no woman no cry and drinking wine coolers?
we broke the bed, curtan rods, a dresser drawer, and unless I didn't notice it before, we put a hole in the wall. This is why he and I have to fuck in motels.
I accidently sent a dick pic to the group chat with her family. Right after they all said it was a pleasure having me for dinner. Wana drink with me?
Apparently i tried to feed this guy's piranhas my whole left arm.. according to him, i was "showing them whos boss, bc if they try to eat my arm, im guna punch their face"
We broke into a construction site had sex on a scissor lift and realized it was a church...tomorrow again??
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