Just farted in public and tried to sniff it all up before anyone noticed...do you think that actually works?
I made a google map for "places I got blow jobs"
In a tragic sexting typo, I typed the word "blobjob". Now she's coming over and I have no idea what I'm in for...
I don't want to smoke with her when she's on adderall. She carved her pumpkin for four hours & didn't say a word.
it was like i was on a global safari of uncircumcised men
I knew it was gonna be a rough night when the guys next to us at Relay for Life started shot gunning beers and yelling "This ones for all the hot chicks that went bald because of cancer". It kinda went downhill from there....
I sent her 8 pictures of my dick in a baked potato. Not sure how I thought that would get me laid later.
OHMYGOD did I try to use pinesol as a mixer?
You stole my camera, took a picture of yourself and said "that's beautiful, just as beautiful as our waitress".
Well it's official... The first guy I ever gave head to now holds 2 world records. Should I text him asking if I can try and break my record?
He's gotta be able to drive a truck, make me mac n cheese and give me the best orgasms. That's my perfect man
That freshman kid successfully snuck into a college party, got caught, proceeded to jump out of a second story window without getting a scratch then met up with us a block away and somehow managed to get a bottle of grey goose in the meantime. He is truly blessed by the alcohol gods
I just saw your mom take a body shot off an undergrad, please tell me you're somewhere near by.
I'm sorry I crashed your motorcycle and watched you get robbed from a rooftop. Will you please come back or at least drop off my shoes?
90% sure I just sold adderall to my professor
100% proud
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