It's been over a month and I still can't find the bra I wore out on new years eve.
The plus side of face planted at the tailgate was that no one could see my nipples hanging out.
I just tipped the cab driver with pistachio nuts. And he loved it.
I vaguely remember trying to exfoliate my face with your leg hair. Sorry about that.
Apparently I was so drunk I threw my entire wallet at the stripper on stage. That was the third time I should've gotten kicked out.
Carrying your underwear around in your purse on Sunday morning is its own religious experience
i am one fart away from being 2 for 2 on this whole shitting my pants thing.
I just took two shots of Burnerts out of a ladle. Get here now.
when you come home i just want to let you know we are cats now. and we are out of eggs.
Is it rude if I don't go?
No. It is not rude if you don't go to her cat's Star Wars themed birthday party.
It's snowing in May and there was a law school party at the strip club. The end is near.
Yea he was still drunk. He wore a Toga to his job interview.
I am the most hated person in hoboken. Ive been doing drunken cake boss impressions down the street for the past 20 mins.
Hi. I have frying pans taped to my feet. I achave to go the hospital, theyre on pretty tight. Can't feel legs bring me juice
I apparently ooze single. The second I left his house after break up sex five of my old booty calls text me
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