so i had a choice between studying for my physics test on fluid dynamics or spend the night with my girlfriend. hello doubletasking.
i think you know its gunna be a bad day when it starts with throwing up into a red plastic cup
this isnt the person you just texted but i have her phone. she disappeared when the bacon came home and she hasn't returned since.
Just so you know, coffee creamer+water does not = milk.
Also I may have a condom stuck inside me, but I won`t know til I check the couch coushions.
Just had to return the shit I stole from the dining hall, with everyone watching...apparently there ARE consequences for being drunk, coked up and belligerent.
I still love him regardless of his misguided forays into heterosexuality
I'll get you through man, I'll be your fairy godmother with better prescription drugs
Did I seriously kick a door down last night... And if so when where and how hard, cause that shit I do not recall.
After 7 months of nothing.. shall we throw your vagina a party? as its reinstatement into society?
We're sitting in the bathtub, eating pizza, doing shots of vvodka and comparing nipples. I havfe never been so comfortable in my life.
Sad realization: so long as I use this sleep apnea machine, I will never be the little spoon!
also, my mom just called to make sure the dick tattoo on your arm was fake..
Be there in a sec. We have to stop at Target to buy her underwear first.
Normally getting fucked up with the owner and suggesting he motorboat me wouldn’t help my chances of a promotion, but this is 2020 and he definitely enjoyed it
Randomize
