TYLER... glimpse of last night: leather chaps, guacamole dip, a jump rope, spray paint, and rhinestone studded pajamas.
i think you have the wrong number... but your story sounds delightful.
Rosebud was a fucking sled. Gay.
On a scale of 1 to last weekend, how hungover are you?
He told me I couldn't drink an unopened bottle of water he had in his room because that was his emergency bong water
You know i think she's just using me for sex
I hate you.
I saw someone get arrested while I was moving out...this has to be a good sign.
You know its good night when theres makeup smears on the toilet seat
Vaguely remember? You pushed George and two other fellas out the way to hug me, screamed gandalf before chugging your beer and smashing the bottle on the floor. I lolled.
It's called the dick transitive property. It states if you touch a person whilst they touch a dick, you are also touching said dick.
I'm so poor. I just wiped my ass with cocktail napkins... That I stole from the neighbors... When I was over there stealing Cheetos.
In other news, last night I told somebody they made eczema look so good they should call it sexzema.
Why so philosophical about cake and sex this morning?
Can you face time me. I need to know if this pill is xanex or ecstasy
Well guess who isn't a virgin anymore
guess who isnt wearing pants has a shaving cream beard and is afraid theres no cream cheese in the fridge
the answer to that last one was me. the answer to the first one is you, you sly dog
The best walk of shames are on the highway
Randomize
