Telling her that my penis is called megatron was not a good idea for a first date.
is there an easy way to say "i didnt plan on sleeping with you until i saw how drunk you were" ?
My birth control alarm just woke me up from my dream where I was pregnant. Thank god.
i woke up on my kitchen floor, halfway through a text, and my mascara running... this is why i stopped drinking tequila
do you know how scary it is to wake up in a CATSCAN machine after a night of drinking?
we're about an hour out, how's the weather?
cloudy with a chance of strippers and cocaine, you're favorite. welcome home.
Stumbled into class and into a desk. When I fell my bottle broke in my backpack. I had to leave there was vodka everywhere.
She found my wedding ring, sallowed it and wished me good luck explaining it to my wife before walking out. Now what?
Where did this racoon skin hat, stop sign and bag full of tacos come from?
Narnia or $5 pitcher night either way
Also, sex on a first date is no, right? Really, I just don't want to clean my apartment, but I'm trying to hide behind "morals" in an effort to appear less lazy.
my roommate just said she thinks she got a flashback or some memory of me getting hit by a car.
I have to estimate how long it takes them to get to the bedroom so that I can sneak out of my room and get snacks. If she's anything like me, they're in bed the second he gets here and I can get snacks now
Dinner was cheetos vodka and whiskey. This is what happens when even your booty call breaks up with you.
Also, we can't be seen together looking suspicious or sexually satisfied
I was about to break it off with him because I realised he only wanted me for sex, until I realised that I only wanted HIM for sex. Win/win
Randomize
