just bought miller high life, hungry man dinners, and a bottle of lube. you win life, you win.
after giving me morning oral, he left saying "hate to eat and run but..." oh yeah, he's getting a second date.
I love the "adulterer" look on you. It's hot.
Its part of my fall instant classic line.
Whoever had sex in my bed during the party last night left a glow in the dark condom on my floor. I'm not even mad anymore, I just want to know who it is so they can tell me where to get one.
this stripper weighs a pound. I feel like I should tip her in food.
Woke up with a full plate of KFC next to my face. I didn't really question it.
This makes me miss penis. Not in a horny way... but in a sad, sentimental way.
You're like my zumba instructor for alcoholism right now
Dude between pissing everywhere and all of those frogs, that bathroom got wrecked.
I'm pretty sure I had my drunk fortune told by a gay Miss Cleo last night. At least it's advice sober me can agree with.
I was more obsessed with the sweat stain on her back that was simultaneously shaped like a vagina and the virgin Mary.
I fell asleep in my underwear on the deck. What the fuck.
This was the best text I've ever woken up to
Just had a serious discussion with my ex-boyfriend about sexy nurse vs. sexy teacher. So score one for friendship I guess.
And my parents said I crawled through the house
yes we're having sex but I'm texting you...so what does that tell you?
Randomize
