I'm not a real person
I'm sorry, everyone knows that
Theres a note on my antibiotics that says "Do not chew or crush. Swallow whole." I think that would be a good tattoo for just above my penis.
Hairspray is covering 85% of my body. Help.
Wait until you see the roof.
Does Vicodin go better with white or red wine?
I'm considering failing out of my last semester of college just so I can keep fucking him.
She just tagged pictures of you wrapped in the "above the influence banner" like a toga.
Just think, this time last Cinco de Mayo you were holding me up and finding me passed out in the yard of that house.
No need to get angry I'm just tryin to get my door back
Cookies. Watch out fir falling satellites.
He wanted to bang in the work van while we were on shift together. He convinced me with "It's like the Scooby Doo van but looks nothing like the Scooby Doo van."
I should put together a new mom basket for her. It would have diapers, vodka, ambien, and tissues for when she cries about her wasted youth.
The doctor that gave me my std test is trying to hook me up with her daughter lol
driving home hungover today was like a life test..it was like the goblet of fire
I got a lap dance last night from a girl while I was wearing a Captian America onsie. My life does not suck.
I just want to hook up with Ed Sheeran. Why does it have to be so difficult?
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