proudest moment: just made a guy walk into a parked car with his mouth hanging open cause of the shirt im wearing.
i just peed in a port a potty and wiped with my credit card statement. fuck yeah!
I just watched a woman break three wood planks with her boobs. I don't know how I feel about that
I think I should just go up to him and say, "before I invest time in this could I just take a look at your penis?"
Your last words were "i'm gonna motorboat the bartender." then you commenced with an attempted motorboat
oh and then you called a time out with your penis
Dude you were sitting on a bench on the street with her for 45 minutes thinking you were on the bus
I'm sorry I peed on the bushes at your law firm. Is there anyway you could defend me for the ticket I'm about to get?
Who suggested the eggnog wet t-shirt contest last night like whose idea was that
Speaking
It's a lube slip n slide down the hallway now. Details later.
I was thirsty after the sex and it was a long trek back to res so naturally I stole chocolate milk from his fridge as I left
Status: mom bitching about grandma not shutting the fuck up, while not shutting the fuck up. Dear Jesus give me strength or more bourbon.
If it makes you feel better he's in the stall next to me and I'm taking a diabolical shit. He's complaining
You left your phone here
Wait...
You ever fart so hard it made you cum a little? A "friend of mine" wanted to know.
Randomize
