Let's just say there is a bloody hand print above my bed and it's not mine. Literally.
Yeah well I just ate cereal out of a muffin pan with a fork. I'll flip a coin as to who has to tackle that pile of dishes we've neglected for 3 weeks.
A female Wisconsin fan just headbutted the bouncer. Im deeply terrified and oddly aroused at the same time.
she told me she sucks everyone's dick but mine because mine is too big and "hard to suck" i need to reevaluate the girls i fall in love with.
I've never heard a "this is the reason why i dont suck your cock" explanation go in that direction
This might sound awkward, but can I borrow a dildo for class?
i think the beer goggles wore off after hearing the story of her 2nd abortion
No no I got the black eyes when I tried to do a flip off the second deck of a pontoon boat. Actually when I did a flip, it was a success.
4 girls bringing me taco bell. this is what dreams are made of.
Just remembered seeing jalepenos in my vomit last night. Reminded me to thank you for sharing your queso with me. You're a good friend.
I'm so confused as to where the sexual euphemisms end and the drinking starts
i have my bailey's and coffee which lasts me until lunch, at which time its appropriate for me to bring a vodka and OJ mix for the afternoon. This university thing is grrreat
I don't even remember what he looks like. All I know is he's 6 foot 100. I like that.
mate iv just woke up in the garden. either help me inside or bring out my vodka
Seriously though, I walked in and he was holding my cat in the air singing "the circle of life"...
He has to be employed and covid free. That’s my standard. I can’t be picky. 2020 has killed my sex life.
Randomize
