How crunk are you?
I'm a Tom Selleck. Zero being Tipper Gore and max being the Bush twins
This is the prime rib incident all over again
I'm not being over dramatic, but I think my heart is going to stop beating.
He told me that I smelled like a Glade Plug-in, then sang the Menard's jingle in it's entirety in between kissing me.
apparently i walked around all last night forcing people to beer bong whatever drink was in their hand. so far this morning ive had three people refer to me as beer bong man
I already ran out of vodka but I have more beer. I just ran naked into the high school party down the street as took all theirs. ...figured no one wants to tackle the naked guy..
Remember those girls from the bar? The tall and short blondes?
Is this a story I am going to hate you for?
Thats alot of pressure.
Just on your vagina. BTW I'm passing your house.
I felt like a personal hot pocket and all I could taste was cigarettes.
Sometimes you've gotta crawl to stay concious
When Ben was deep throating pickles last night I actually reconsidered our relationship
I'm going to reward myself for having sex with coffee and a breakfast burrito.
It's 2017. Get with the program. Also remind me never to get margaritas with you ever on Cinco de Mayo.
And you hate the library
Yea but I love drugs and my grades
Fuck. I did it again. I plugged in my toaster and walked away thinking it needed to preheat. I am dumb.
Randomize
