How is your vagina???
Double booked
With your butt?
Totes, candlesticks and all
Yay!!
There are traffic cones in the living room. One of them is yours.
she was pretty much dry humping my leg when her boyfriend walked in. he says "you should probably leave." all i could come up with was "YEAH, I KNOW!"
don't wear any deodorant. we have to do everything we can to sabotage this wedding
Just because you're using the Hipstamatic app for your nude photo taking, it doesn't make your drunken blowjob pics any classier.
I'm too tired to go all the way tonight, especially if you're going to quote Katy Perry at me during
Huh. I think I went to highschool with the hooker my neighbor just brought home.
Apparently this is my life now. Fucking men in their 30s with small dogs.
I think I've just evolved into some kind of vodka fueled monster
Fuck you, you can't judge me til you've smelt my boobs.
THERE ARE SO MANY ALCOHOLS IN MY BLOOD RIGHT NOW
Ladies and gentlemen, the only person I know who would keg stand in pearls and a bow.
I am the worst person to have nipple rings I'm hanging ornaments off of then and sending everyone a tits the season to be jolly
As long as it's before midnight it's cool. But it would be understandable to ring in my new year shitting myself just before I go to Iraq.
In the past year, I've fucked 3 Dave's and you've fucked 2 Dave's. That's a lot of Dave's in our vaginas.
We need to start a soap opera called the Dave's of Our Lives.
Randomize