Herpes is a lot like Arnold Schwartzenneger. Because it always comes back. Also, because it is usually in some way in control of California.
ya i vaguely remember microwaving a whole package of bacon for 20 minutes or so and then eating it all around 4am
Throw up on the ground, people dancing to loud Bollywood music, seats literally missing. Fuck I hate public transit
i forgot beer had calories. that would explain alot.
She was so adorably desperate I didn't have the heart to tell her I wasn't a lesbian. So now She's making waffles, may switch teams over this.
Why is there a blood-covered "sorry about your stuff" note stapled to my door?
Either I'm paranoid or I swear my parents rigged my house so you can never sneak in or have the munchies without being loud.
Okay, I just got to our real hotel and the YMCA may have been a better choice. A man w/ no shirt on
Omg this is like trying to sleep on a pile of ballsacks.
He said I was really mad at him on Friday. Dude I fell asleep in all my clothes and shoes, with my flashlight on, on my phone... I could have been mad at the wall. It wasn't my classiest day.
Hey by the way did you notice my third nipple in my snapchat
What am I even going to do with 20 more jello shots? And don't say give them to the cat
I guess I was running around slapping people in the face with a slice of turkey telling them that the only way to beat alcohol addiction is to go cold turkey.
Sex. Target parking lot. I really am the mayor.
Coworker just walked in thirty minutes late reeking like weed and clutching a handful of scratch-off tickets. Also, there’s still a stripper pole in my office. Happy Wednesday!
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