I served up a girl her first a2m the other day. You would have been proud.
she was left over bi-product, like the hotdog of the human race
she just asked me to help her create a twitter page for edward cullen's hair.... seriously.
Just spent 3 hours on the Mcdonalds website. I don't know what to do with myself now that college is over.
so apparently I plead the 5th to every question they asked me when they put me under the conscious sedation to set my broken wrist
Was I shouting at a fire engine last Friday?
Saw my boss's vagina at that party. Hung over at work has never been more acceptable
I thought he wouldn't talk to me again. You know, what's that saying "why buy the cow when you can fuck it six hours after meeting"
No no no...you park the car, stick your tongue down his throat, slip your number in his pocket, invite him to insomnia, and THEN LEAVE. You go from awkward to epic in a matter of seconds.
You kept showing the cop the bruises on the bottoms of your feet and claiming you were a medical mystery.
Why the fuck did I wake up in a chair with mouth clamps?!
They never prepare you for how broke ur gonna be in college. I just accepted money from two underage girls at a gas station to buy them beer only because I'm trying to figure out a way to run off with it without them noticing.
Dude, use it to buy them beer. Then run the beer to ur car as fast as you can and bring it to the party. Seriously, we're running out of booze over here
our friendships a beautiful delicate flower...that has been crushed by peni
Find a vagina and bring it to me. Like feeding a tiger.
I just put poptarts in the toaster with the wrapper on, that's how hungover I am.
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