What is this red stuff in a water bottle in my fridge that's labeled "not for baby turtles"?
plan parent hood is for high school, im at the abortion clinic, so college.
how does Santa get into Hogwarts?
I got her a Nickelback box set.
So after tequila Thursday, Jess broke her arm table dancing. Now her and Andrew look like the perfect drunk couple, matching casts and all.
I booked us a cruise for November. Lose 20 pounds and don't cheat on me before then.
and everything will be beautiful and nothing will hurt and we will eat nachos
Apparently, I showed up wrapped in caution tape and immediately jumped on the stripper pole and started making very sexual gestures at the birthday girl. We lasted ten minutes.
she has like 12 pairs of underwear people left at her house from the other night
And have you ever tried to explain a hickey to your own grandmother?
I'm about to airblow my boyfriend. I'll three-way you.
Not sure how ur night is going, but unless u also saw a naked drunk chick pissing outside i doubt it can top mine
The guy I brought home last night made a speedy escape while I was in the bathroom. The only trace I found of his flight was a lone sock on the stairs.... It was like a whorey low budget Cinderella
Well, that was my first dog walk of shame. Nothing says "I've got my life together" like an inside out shirt and a baggie full of dog shit.
I love him about as much as I'd love fucking myself with a cactus.
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