I would wrestle an alligator for a bj right now
She wanted to watch a Baby Einstein DVD while we fucked. I'm pretty open minded but that felt a little creepy.
The coffee from our coffee maker just hasn't tasted normal since we made Mac n cheese in it that one time....
Margaritas are 250 calories. Now measuring all food in margaritas
But you wanna know what the sadest part is? I had to smoke on the way back home cause my mom would be suspicious if I wasn't high after I was supposedly hanging out with you.
Be still, my beating vagina.
I had something called a trashcan. Never again. I almost fucked chewbacca.
I woke up to a hotel manager knocking on my car ( window was down) and asking if I was ok
My hickies are dark enough that I can feel drivers judging me from across an intersection
I told him that he was essentially a very life-like dildo with a person attached so he needed to stop having feelings because it was getting annoying. He agreed.
Sober now. I'm really glad I didn't try to make out with that guy who has a pregnant fiance
I need a conscience and I need it yesterday.
Just realized that I bailed on you guys yesterday just so I could get wendy's. it was worth it but still, sorry
God doesn't care if you're a paramedic, you can't do that to someones cat and still get into heaven
Dick is dick
Look decision making is not my specialty
Which is why I just spent $33 on a breakfast sandwich coffee and hash browns
Randomize
