My e-date is really photogenic. Real-life not so much
I need to talk to you about an important matter involving lesbians.
At lowes after workin outside. Kid behind me says "mommy that man smells like a taco" yes she was talking about me.
I feel like Captain Blackout doesn't do her justice. Brigadier General Blackout is much better.
It's nights like those I refer to my life motto: You can't be just friends with someone after you've seen their genitals.
after further investigation i found out he's a little bit married..
You were so drunk, you called my cruise control, the "auto pilot" and asked my car politely to take us to Taco Bell.
First of all you're supposed to say "you're not fat". And second of all never ever deprive me of nachos.
Can I please come dance in my bra to destiny's child with you? I'll bring the wine and the glitter
As planned I took it to the limit. Then we met a new limit. Now they are limit friends.
HE FINALLY TEXT ME AND CALLED ME BY MY TWITTER NAME STAND BY FOR THE WEDDING INVITE, BRIDESMAID
I just got winded making my bed. How do you think the workout plan is going?
I'm dancing with a sandwich I just made cause I'm so happy how delicious it tastes, that high haha
Look, if it comes down to it, I’m spraying whipped cream on your nuts
Let me set the mood for you. Do you remember Britney Spears in her Hit Me Baby One More Time era? Well I just fucked this college girl I shit you not her name is Persephone and she looks exactly like Britney Spears back when she was hot. I might be in love.
Randomize
