I was wasted and lost so I called the cops and asked for directions. It seemed logical at the time
woman puking in liquor store parking lot at 9:30 on a tuesday morning = best commute ever.
I hate drunken dyslexia, i thought she said "someone to do" not "something to do" long story short i now have a restraining order.
i was trying to wake him up so i just kept touching his dick
He's 11. You dont draw dicks on 11 year olds, i dont care if he ate your lasagna
I made a Wendy's employee say fuck this and quit because I started flipping out due to a baked potato shortage. Of course I had a good night
Things i learned at work today: do not put mayonaise on a tattoo, it will get infected.
Just to prove a point, she called and ordered a pizza 10 min before she ordered the blow and it still got here first. I may never leave LA.
I told you!!! And that is why he's the drug dealer to the stars.
For our 1st date, he tried to schedule a rock climbing. I suggested, "how about we meet at my place and you can scale Mt. Vagina?"
I'll be honest, I too would punch the 21 year old version of myself in the face, and then have rough sex with him.
a large sweaty girl i dont know is sleeping in my bed. A scotish man and a small child looking dude are on the couches im on the floor sleeping and im ok with it
In other news, the one guy I DIDN'T have sex with in High School is now famous.
It's gonna be me and some oreos tonight. Basically like sex
I lick assholes and I wouldn't eat mdma
I continue to impress myself. Also I'm probably pregnant
Randomize
