I'm at derby!
The kentucky derby! But its night time, theres no way the horses are awake at this time.
dude, you're never picky with who you hook up with, have a little dignity
nah man, chicks are like pokemon, gotta catch \'em all
I told her I was pledging and she immediately proposed to give me head in the bathroom. i love how easy rushees are
If it wasnt for meatballs I would have fucking killed myself already.
You couldve had sex with 2 drunk chicks on an alligator slide.
I'm mentally preparing my vagina for this semester. It's fucking welcome week. I'm going to be talking to her all night.
Listen, don't freak out when you walk out on me masturbating in front of my roommate. No homo. He just needs to be put to his place.
I'm trying to figure if this dude sitting in his car with the door open is dead or just sleeping. Someone was probably wondering the same thing bout me 20 minutes ago. Your meeting is taking a ridiculous amount of time.
We went to IKEA super baked wearing fake mustaches. You?
just woke up under a car ? That's odd
Holy fucking shit
WAIT BUT IM WEARING A BACKPACK THAT MAGICALLY HAS 30 BEERS IN IT
You shut your whore mouth, we don't talk about Drunk Nutella night.
I'm pretty sure our sex is better than most foods and that says a lot too bc I really like food
Me saying I wish i was a better person + me pretending I don't want to fuck on my period = me lying
New guy moved in the apartment next door. He's a combat vet, 6'4", Adonis body and going to med school. My vagina is chewing thru the wall as we speak.
For some reason, my alarm clock was unplugged & in the kitchen microwave. I don't remember doing that...
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