dude we were spooning naked in bed with her ass in my crotch. she sharted in her sleep all over my dick.
so he stopped for a second, looked up at me and said in a really creepy voice, "I can has cheeseburger?" and then went back to eating me out.
And just when I was about to fall asleep, he hit me in the face, and claimed he's a "violent sleeper".
Hospital. He tried giving some kid a stone cold stunner during a real fight.
On the way out the door to work grabbed the wine glass on the floor left for the ghost of Elijah and chugged it. PASSOVER.
I just shit a hot coal. Pretty sure it's that fireball shot from yesterday.
Do they mail horrible human being awards or do I have to pick it up or what's the protocol on that shit
Before he left he told me if his girlfriend ever finds out, she'll take us both to an alley and kill us.
My vagina is glad I'm back at work because it needs a vacation after working all through my vacation.
Also. I think I just got sentimental over a nude
First morning at school this semester and I threw up in a bush during my walk of shame.
If you're not my stylist, having sex with me, or agreeing to have sex with me don't fucking touch my hair.
Fuck him and his perfect arms, huge penis and relentless ability to ignore me.
I'm texting you know although you won't get this until you wake up. the only reason you are strapped to your bed is because you were trying to fly out your window.
No you just wanted to pass out in your hallway because your room was too far away
Randomize
