I was to big spoon the shit out of you right now
I'm so hungover and dru,k
I went to blockbuster, where I always go when I need to soul searching
Despondent, hopeless, I decide on vantage point, because I vaguely resemble matthew fox (let me believe this, please)
It was cheaper to buy then rent, so now I'm stuck w/ a wretched hangover and I own this shit movie
I woke up naked this morning and I found out that I thought I was Adam last night and Eve was my wife so I ran naked saying I was in the Garden of Eden and I could shit wherever I wanted.....too bad the garden was in my friends apt.......I spent the morning cleaning and have reached a new low
relax...and go to your happy place, which probably has a lot of dicks
You told them to let you give him stitches claiming you were a certified nurse because you've taken plant biology classes
If I weren't her cousin I'd take advantage of her and this low point in her life.
As she was leaving she said "You have an awesome penis, I hope to use it again soon" I need that on a business card to hand out at the bar
Went to an open-bar law school party and puked in front of Justice Scalia. My legal career is now complete -- I literally got judged by a U.S. Supreme Court Justice. Can't get any higher than that.
The only way I can describe this shit is male aloe vera plant in both looks and feel its standing in the toilet
Thanks for that....my girlfriend picked up my phone and saw that
Some guy just drank alcohol from me shoe..I think he's had enough..
Told some guy to hold your weave while you "tried" to kick his girlfriends ass...
You then played what you called "a smooth jazz rendition of talk dirty to me" all thrusting your crotch at the bartender. Mom looked horrified, but my dad couldn't stop laughing
poll: am I friendzoned if he just called me brochacha? on one hand, he called me bro, but on the other, he used the a to make it feminine.
I think the cashier at 7/11 might be planning an intervention for me.
The last time I was on vacation the pandemic blew up. Can't wait to see how my vacation fucks up the world this time.
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