Here's an idea...how about I take shots by myself and drunk dial you around noon?
I just asked my hair stylist how many percocets she'd do my hair for.
The story about him having a girlfriend changed real fast when he found out that I was a gymnast
Apparently it costs $70 to clean vomit off the side of our apartment building.
I woke up locked in the bar...this has redefined partying.
There are so many Jimmy John's employees here
Where are you?
Jimmy John's.
I only saw you for about 5 min, but you were rambling about how not even the whiskey could make you fight the skeleton guards.
I FEEL LIKE I CAN TAKE DOWN A FULLY GROWN MOUNTAIN LION WITH ONLY A POINTY STICK OH MY GOD
she fell THROUGH the wall. All in all id have to say that my neighbors where pretty chill about it tho.
I'm trimming my pubes right now and the battery was wearing down. So I chose to only trim one side. I cut the right side down and now I look like pubic two-face. Right all trim and near and left like a caveman.
I bought a mink out of the back of some guy's van on my walk home from the bar yesterday
He thought I was gay. I had to explain I just really like wearing flannel.
Worst case scenario- he paid me for sex with meatloaf. There are worse thing, right? I mean at least is was good meatloaf.
but like who hasn’t gotten fingered at the state fair?
Is it weird I can only picture you in my heels naked?
Be proud; I'm a versatile boyfriend
Randomize
