I had a long pep-talk with my penis that ended in "I love you, I'll try harder and I'm sorry."
the $50 fast cash from checking button should just be retitled "8th of weed"
My mom can no longer prohibit me from smoking pot..I sell to her boyfriend.
they said he just opened the front of his shirt and threw up alll over himself
Just made a makeshift menthol by rolling a listerine strip into a regular cigarette... Poor? Who, me?
I think his parents are learning english from the phrases I shout during sex.
no, literally. he fb chatted me and said "since you're online i figured we could bang tonight?"
He lectured me about the dangers of drugs while wearing a sombrero and doing interpretive dance.
I'm trying not to drink. I may fall down if I move. This is bad. I had everclear before the bar. Oh no. Oh no. Breathe. Breathe. Breathe.
My phone just autocorrected 'vagina' to 'vaginihilation'...when exactly did I need to convey total annihilation by lady parts??
they wouldnt let me drive the convertible because i was in a bird suit :(
Did I tell you I bit someone's arm for you last night
i really need to shower, but i don't want to take off my bra and lose my cleavage. the struggle
I'm going to CVS to meet the Craigslist guy who is going to buy my underwear. If I don't text you within the next hour, plz assume that I have been abducted by a stranger with an underwear fetish.
Brought some lesbians back to the light side of the force
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