I just pooped in his toilet and didn't flush...I desperately need to get him past the girls don't poop phase.
he actually used the line "do you have a map, because i'm lost in your eyes" and i was to drunk to care
I think she's a little more wasted than usual. She just crawled on the floor to tell mom it was time to take a shot.
he said i give him, and i quote, "emotional blue balls"
My dildo fell into the bathtub. It sounded like a chainsaw.
There is a pile of hair outside the apartment next door. At least now I know what all that shouting was about last night.
Sorry I drunkenly insulted your air mattress last night. You still could have fucked me on it though.
so hungover. I'm actually considering eating the snow off the roof so I don't have to leave my bed
My 7 yo sister is trying to talk my mom into buying her a strawberry margarita. Happy Cinco de Mayo.
If it wasn't for the fact that I drink during my lunch break I'm pretty sure I would have quit this job by now
Not many people can say they've been photo bombed by an antelope. I sure did.
i asked my neighbor to open a bottle of vodka once and then we slept together
You're the air beneath my wings and the lookout when I pee
I woke up this morning to find myself laying in a beer puddle with "I'm sorry" written on the shaft of my dick and Nicole was nowhere to be found. Gotta love her
don't worry dude i have your phone, text me when youre gonna come get it
Randomize
