Eating a burrito bowl w/ queso sauce is about as cool as the first time you have sex w/ out a condom
No, I don't think Michelle is a squirter. And if I've had anal sex, the Obamas have.
My autobiography is now tentatively titled "I'm Fucking the DJ, and Other Ways to Party for Cheap"
I thought stuff was gonna go really bad after he filled the super-soaker with kerosene. but it all turned out pretty well.
He has in a pan: ten pieces of bacon, two cloves of garlic, an egg (not scrambled or hard boiled, just an egg) and frozen corn.
Got drunk and tried to deep fry burritos. Turns out wild turkey isn't a good replacement for vegetable oil. Nearly burned my house down.
Sober people should be as daring as drunk people more often, because honestly the fact you’ve lived so long is a sign that anything is possible.
he made a bon jovi sex playlist and started crying when "i'll be there" came on... how was your night?
Those drunk pictures you took of me? My mom is showing those to my grandparents.
Not only did my parents pick me up from his hotel room in the morning, but he also came outside and had a casual little chat with my dad through the driver's side windrow.
I saw the attitude and didn't even try. Line of the night from one guy who talked with them for a while said, "I don't meet you standards. I have a job and would treat you well." She was blank faced.
Dealing with people is so much easier after you've had an orgasm or 4.
Is it possible for mice to climb? If so I think mice are climbing into my bed in the night and playing with my hair..
My six-margarita-deep ass just used a blow torch to light the match that lit my bong pack. Peak single 🤦🏼♀️
Why is there an inflatable flamingo in the backseat of my car?
I want to shoot him sideways (so he can still breathe) in the Adam's apple with my little crossbow.
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