Very drunk. laura says hi. i can't find my pants. i think i'm in philly, but it might be jersey somewhere
____ banged a stripper...well technically she's now a hooker...
I'm pouring my heart out in these texts and you're going around showing everyone???
All I want for christmas is my sobriety back.
You had sex with him even after he literally described himself as a "coldplay guy"? There's a line you just don't cross. There is a line.
Just witnessed a circumcision at clinical. i suddenly feel a sense of reconciliation over every guy who's done me dirty...
So the guy who is making our IDs is in jail now for attempted murder, with no bail...
So no fakes?
EVERYONE IS SPEAKING SPANISH. I ONLY KNOW HOLA.
You are. Embrace it. But you are the right kind of asshole.
I don't think I can look at him the same way anymore after he walked in my room wearing a short skirt with a boner.
You don't know commitment until you try and waterproof a non-waterproof vibrator
OH FOR FUCKS SAKE! SOMEONE TOOK ME FOR A GODDAMN PROSTITUTE!! IM WEARING LEG WARMERS!!! THAT IS LIKE THE LEAST HOOKERISH THING TO WEAR!
Do you have pictures of my pancakes
I need to show the world
They are the pancake equivalent of eventual wife
AND I NEED A VIKING FUNERAL OR MY GHOST ASS WILL SAUNTER ON OVER AND CASTRATE HIM FOR TECHNICALLY MURDERING ME
And by "I love him" I mean "I want his tongue down my throat.
Randomize
