Why is half of me covered in green stuff that won't come off?
You stripper-danced on a light pole in the quad. It had fresh paint on it.
my phone is set on vibrate and its tucked up in my left front pocket. call me back 20 times real quick.
she looks like stephen colbert with that blond wig he was wearing last night.
She tased me when I walked in the door. Thought I was trying to steel her weed.
And it was confirmed to me that I did in fact cut my girlfriend out of her dress with my sword.
I just found cold cuts in the blender. You and beefeater can no longer have unsupervised parties.
Late night whataburger runs are great, except if you're the one that gets left black out drunk puking in the backyard drinking from the water hose
Attempted to dodge my boyfriends cum last night and ended up falling off the bed and getting the worlds most painful charlie horse. fuck my life.
He put his name in my phone as David Hot Guy With Tattoos and I fell in love because that's what I was going to change his name to anyways
I spy something regrettable...
Oh my god. Stop!! It was one time and I still can't believe it.
I ran into cvs barefoot with my belt undone and shirt buttoned wrong and didn't even have to ask. The guy working pointed and said "they're back there."
That's how I look going for the pbr.
To be honest, waking up to 20 naked people in my house was not the weirdest thing to happen to me in the past 24 hours
Well you were listening to music and having sex really loudly. How was I supposed to know you'd hear me making rocket sounds?
It's Scottsdale, it shouldn't be this hard to find drugs.
Kyle passed out in the tub after breaking a glass and shouting, "WHAT ASSHOLE GAVE ME A GLASS?" His girlfriend gave it to him...
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