fuck off i hope your children turn out to be republicans
im sorry, I just can't fuck a guy who can't receive picture messages
He fell asleep in the strip club and they paid some stripper $20 to sit on his face until he woke up.
why the fuck are my pubes caked with bread crumbs?
I'm stoned at 1030am, watching Maury with my exboyfriend. I need to make better choices with my life.
I have a physical this friday. On a scale from 1-10, 10 being the most judgemental gay bashing, how much judgement am I gonna get from my dr when he checks my balls and sees the cherry tattoo
Well tech shes born nov 12, but since her head was out on the 11th, she claims both days as her birthday
Someone I just met told me they were going to name their kid after me. Daylight savings is weird.
Giving the guy pizza was a good idea. Leaving him naked on the pool table makes you my hero
No seriously, I don't care if you just sucked God's dick. I have had a better Fat Tuesday than you
... drunk me broke the coffee table?
STOP TALKING ABOUT YOURSELF IN THE THIRD PERSON. YOU DID THE THING.
I thought I came here to hook up, not for a Study Abroad 101 session
She moved all of her stuff out while we were gone. Shit in the toilet, and didn’t flush. So yeah it went well.
just woke up with nickles taped to my body. theres like a dollar worth.
Our sex sesh was interrupted by a bunch of hobos fighting outside his apartment.
Randomize
