I told my ex i loved him and then he sent me a picture of this girl laying on his bed.
she's just sitting in a corner ripping all of the filters off her menthols
He's been dead since March and more people write on his wall than mine.
I probably should have cut it off when he started putting queso on my nipples, but within ten minutes I was a self-serve burrito bar.
Nothing says happy baby shower like showing up still kinda drunk from last night with an open tall boy in one hand and fries in the other.
She won't let me open the car door while we are on the highway so I can throw up outside. She deserves to have her car thrown up in.
truck drivers should not leave their trucks unlocked with cigarettes inside when we're drunk and walking around.
He ate me out. IN THE MORNING. I love less attractive men.
Please please please buy brown eye liner on your way home in the morning... I'm missing an eyebrow
Wrote my name backwards on the test and asked for extra credit points. Late start booze days are my new favorite thing.
Hope I didn't wake u up but I woke up and there is a shirt, boxers, belt and jeans on my balcony, along with a naked guy who claimed to scale the building
I'm watching Part of Your World now and I'm crying and I feel like I'm floating right along with her. This. This right here is some drunken Disney Magic
Good news y'all just straight up snorted 2 adderall and I'm not a real being on this plane of existence anymore and I'm ready for finals
i didnt realize that your first thought would be SEXUALIZING BREAD
I get sad thinking about all the sex I’m missing out on because of the virus
I instituted “quarantine and chill” months ago. It’s not like penises go soft just because they’re working at home.
Randomize
