he is fucking friends with his exwife on facebook, but he defriends me after 3 dates? am i that crazy?
so i just calculated it and i would need to score 150% on this final to pass
so all the bums hang out by my new store, they have a leader we call king bum... He got dethroned by police today for choking out a hooker. The bum heirarchy is in shambles right now.
Your like the Mozart of blow jobs, you make every other girl seem like cheesy elevator music.
And then we made hashbrowns with vodka and queso.
And for some reason I just want to have sex with EVERYTHING
He ran around the party with a broken foot/ankle with a gallon of Malibu yelling "it must rain coconut"
I just mistook cooking oil for the whiskey that was also on the counter... They're the same colour. That was not a good shot... I need to not drink alone.
The roommate asked me to make sure no one fucked in his room. And then preceded to give only me permission to fuck in his room. Had no idea who I was, just thought I was trustworthy cause I had Edward 40 hands. Felt like a Tarantino movie.
Woke up this morning with fake blood all over my bed which is a positive considering last year it was all real blood
I never thought that at some point in my life I would end up in the back of a cop car dressed as Pumba #HakunaMatata
I got to my internship late... with a bag of chipotle and sex hair.
I say this out of love and friendship. Eat ice cream not the d.
Just cropdusted a little kid that wouldn't get out of my way in Kroger. Welcome to the real world bitch.
Turns out, it's impolite to repeatedly request Seal "Kiss From a Rose" at bars
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