She tried to wake me up by touching my dick. I kept pretending to be asleep.
Okay, guy from work I want to fuck just told me he liked the font on my PowerPoint presentation. It is so on.
Make me proud, climb that corporate ladder.
so when he was about to cum, he screamed his mother's name and continued to pray for forgiveness. wtf
Just took my birth control pill next to the cubicle where we had sex last semester.
It's a system.. i get to hook up with them and you get to play words with friends with them afterwards.
obviously he wasnt ready for this jelly and you can quote me on that
She kept pulling joints out of her bra and asking strangers for birthday hugs.
I'm dying. The alcohol is viciously exiting my tiny body.
I don't care that you had sex on my bed. I care that you used my lollipop condom. I was saving that for a special occasion
It was a special occasion. Your best friend had crazy awesome sex on your bed. Thank you
I just want to smoke this blunt and eat pizza rolls while watching The Price Is Right with you.
i just looked at those "hey" messages and i was so confused and then i remembered we were practicing texting with our tongues.
Nothing says "happy birthday" like a negative pregnancy test
I like it here so far, only people are a lot less accepting of my terrible decisions and it's cramping my style
We couldn't leave for the bar until he spent 10 minutes adjusting his vaporizer. I want to drown him in beard oil.
Only you could get too drunk for taco bell. I don't know if I'm jealous or ashamed. Go to bed.
Randomize
