She went from zero to smokin in five shots
I ended up in a shower with 9 people and a bunch of unopened beer last night. I think I got peed on. Hands were everywhere. We sold the peed on beer to people knocking on the hotel room door.
Wow, now I'm sad I didn't go.
The guy I wanted to make out with just got beat up, let's roll.
Def regretting not writing "will blow for extra credit" on my last final
The great thing about vietnam is that if I'm drunk during the day people just think I'm being white
I am sitting here. Drinking from a bottle of vodka. Eating shredded cheese from a bag and waiting on him to pick me up after he finishes with his girlfriend. This is what dreams are made of.
My dad found me naked curled up under a towel on the couch with a fucking tub of butter and a spoon. Ambien Mondays are dead
The front camera on the 5S is SO much better. This is great development for my international sexting.
Thank you for deleting me from Instagram. Also, I'm carrying your child. Happy new year!
If you buy me a steak I will make the extra effort to ride you. If not, I'm just gonna lay there.
Come share oat with me in your robe
Looking for my adderal, only found acid. What a shame
my sex drive just dried up, fell out, and is rolling on the floor somewhere.
Just ate Panda Express. Fortune cookie had no fortune in it. I actually prefer this. Less broken dream potential.
No clue what you did last night, sorry. You did hand me a pizza and a mason jar with $1200 in small bills in it when I let you in though.
Randomize
