she asked me if I wanted a handjob on the haunted mansion ride at Disney. was I suposed to say no?
i tried to hook up with a mom and then her husband came with num chucks
i spelled "betch" that way on purpose, don't question my abilities as a drunk texter
I wonder if he just picks random boners to send or just the realy impressive ones
Your ass just called me, someone was yelling "awful waffle" and also, " I don't know who's hands are who's anymore"
i remember getting really pissed off when you wouldn't let me sleep in the garage with your cat.
Saw a guy in a chef outfit covered in mustard talking jiberish into his phone running across the skywalk.
Can you give me a hickey quick? Im going to a white trash themed party. Completely serious
putting weed in the twinkies box was possibly the best idea you've ever had
I'm about to pick up E from underneath a random doormat.......how is this remotely normal?
Fuck going to see The Hunger Games tonight. The only thing I'm hungry for is some dick. Let's go to the bar.
My new best friend is the drag queen who works at mcdonalds and doesnt judge me during my walk of shame coffee break
Pretty sure i brought my phone charger to a booty call
I tried to suck your dick underwater and almost drowned
Should I be worried if two ants just crawled out of my purse?
Yes!
Randomize
