Without porn, I would have few hobbies.
I gave my ex the dutch oven last night. How was your night?
I apparently tried to stop my spending of money by sealing the top of my wallet with gum
Going to eat lunch. Bunch of people in church clothes, and we are hungover, wearing pajamas, and in real danger of puking on the floor. We're about to destroy the ambience of this joint.
Accidentally spilled a drink on her roommates skirt, offered to clean it, and got a blowjob out of the deal. Something went horribly right.
the whole story woulnd't be so depressing if i had made out with ANYONE but the piano player.
My stomach literally has no contents left. Tequila cleanse=success.
He was the only guy who ever made me cry..
Who, the park ranger who made you dump out your beer on the beach?
I drank enough to tranq a steed. You really missed out
There's no discreet way to sneak a cucumber into the shower lol
is there a way to say "yea i broke my wrist cause i fell down some stairs while tripping my face off on acid" without actually saying it?
Sorry I pissed in your closet and lied to your parents that it was probably a flood. He got up to go to the bathroom, expecting sex when he got back, I panicked
Yeah yeah I know I have to bring your dog back.
If anyone needs me I'll be in the bathtub, eating fast food and shooting straight vodka while I seriously evaluate my life choices and cry.
I got the beer and the first aid kit. You get the tequila and burn cream. We should be set for the camping trip.
Randomize