I just had one of those nervous system things in my thumb...I'm pretty sure I have cancer.
I'm sitting here watching a kid lick a basketball- where have i gone wrong in life?
I kind of had a moment like that kid whose mom cancelled his WoW subscription, except I didn't try to shove a remote control up my own ass.
I was actually kinda bummed my STD test came back negative.
That would have been proof he'd slept with the stripper. Lame.
The tent wall coming unstaked in the wind and hitting me in the face really sobered me up
Totally just locked myself outside of my house, in my robe, with the fedex man and a box of sex toys. Not my week.
Do you ever wonder what the men who we shamelessly objectify would think if they saw our texts in regard to them?
bro your seconds weren't very sloppy last night, is everything ok?
Hey... Tell me if you remember differently, but nobody truly saw me naked, right?
If it snows I'm making an igloo and getting wasted in it
Chasing my kid around a 30' jungle gym was not how I envisioned spending the day off work to recover from a vasectomy.
She said she didn't feel right fucking on her parents dining room table I grabbed the only thing around bubblewrap she blew me for creativity
I just found a reminder in my phone to ask you about your sex life in 7 years. So how is that going?
Apparently someone was hiding in a storm drain dressed as Pennywise from it and offering passersby free penis enlargement pills.
He has to be employed and covid free. That’s my standard. I can’t be picky. 2020 has killed my sex life.
Randomize
