Making out with married ex girlfriends: priceless
He like poked it twice with the tip of his tongue then left it alone. I'm sad.
I ran out of diet so I'm mixing captain with a juice box. Being a mom has finally paid off.
And then he said "good night girls" and kissed each one before I put my shirt back on
He literally said to me "go ahead and answer that text message while I eat you out"... Maybe I AM the relationship type...
Somehow me not being able to breathe due to cocaine doesn't seem very domesticated.
I've made friends with the guy dressed as a gorilla that was chasing the guy dressed as a banana around with a super soaker full of vodka. I feel this will be a good relationship for me.
And then you asked me why my legs were so thick and started measuring them with a ruler
Seriously babe, why do I keep waking up with bruises on my nipples? WHAT ARE YOU DOING TO ME IN MY SLEEP?
Actually, scratch that, I'm not sure I want to know.
no body wants to do anything today cause it's too cold, but a guy can only masturbate so many times a day. Ya know
Well, I dont really know how much penis you have at your disposal so I cant be sure
I came in like 30 seconds, and my dog got to watch me take the walk of shame to the bathroom to clean up. All in all, not my best performance.
Sorry about the Christmas balls dude. At the time I thought they were festive as fk but I see now I've just spent too much time on the internet
fuck school, let's just become the worst strippers ever
I'm gonna write a book entitled "when you give a cop a cookie..."
I don't even want to know.
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