I had so many friends before that round of Never Have I Ever.
I put it into a sports analogy for him: there are three teams in the league- friends, fuck buddies, and dating, and the fuck buddies roster is full, pick an alternate team
so I woke up this morning and on their fridge, the first item on the shopping list was my virginity.
Your like the Mozart of blow jobs, you make every other girl seem like cheesy elevator music.
at the hospital. he locked himself in the kitchen, said he was making beer batter shrimp. don't know if it's the mercury poisoning, alcohol poisoning or second degree burns they're holding him for, but i've got a pretty guess.
If you ever bitch out on 72oz margarita night again, this friendship is over
I hate when people see you passed out in your front yard and call 911. Like what, you can't take a nap face down on your steps at 4pm?
I've never had goosebumps on my dick before. It was definitely not a bad feeling.
Going to be a long day. text me later. Sorry I puked in your sink.
Yeah I'm at the doctors getting a shotand don't know how to tell them I'm still probably drunk from last night
You knew you'd end up at his house the minute you emptied the bowl of condoms into your purse.
I would've fucked Winston Churchill - rode that D like I was going into battle.
I have been adopted by a clan of drunken skinny dipping tourists.
We've been together for 10 months. These next 2 may be a deal breaker. He has not met the summertime version of me that is so hungover today that I cancelled a meeting with my boss right after she sent me an appreciation note saying I have great work ethic. I have her fooled.
My life is far to together for someone who's such a hot mess inside
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