just ate pastrami before passing out in my hotel room. My room smells like a petting zoo
No, I'm talking to this Chinese girl. Can't understand a word she's saying, but i think i caught the word vagina a few times.
Why can't we have signs that automatically flash on our foreheads that say not interested when gross ugly guys come around, like those glasses that get dark when the sun comes out?
Shiiiit I think I'm getting sick. probably had something to do with the fact that i shared my mouth with everyone last night.
Wait. That came out far sluttier than I intended.
Dude its so hot it my room I can't jack off. Its gonna be a long summer.
I think i just fucked the same guy a second time without realizing it....does that make me a good whore or a bad whore???
He really thought ahead and just left the tequila in the mail box for late night pickup. Best. Friend. Ever.
The two girls sitting next to me are asking siri "Like, uh, how do you know my name?". Do I fuck with them or fuck them?
Just used my front-facing camera to check my pupils. Technology!
Current status: Finding an unwrapped portion of Subway sandwich in my purse at the pharmacy counter & picking pieces of tomato off my wallet while the pharmacist watches disdainfully.
Did you offer her some?
If only. Current status: Not that clever.
He was trying to talk to me about standards while he had a french fry box on his hand like a glove and was using it to flatten his cheeseburger.
How weird would it be for me to get 1 hour photos printed at CVS of my partially or all nude?
Well if I can't snuggle you, I might as well snuggle a stranger's cat.
Threesomes are not as fun as you'd think. I left with a black eye and I'm not sure who's to blame.
Pooled our money and rented a bouncy castle for the day. Get over here now. Bring vodka.
Randomize
