Did u pay ur friends to not make fun of me?
He thought I was flirting with him but really I just needed someone to hold me up.
Good news. I heard back from the doctor and I don't have a liver problem.
...yet.
He ended our Skype call with, "I'm going to poop and then go play my ukulele in the park."
I'm like five sips away from making a Craigslist post for true love and mustaches. My family is going to disown me tonight.
If I asked you to guess what I'm doing right now how many guesses would it take to get to really high eating an apple bumping techno
Babe.. You are farting in your sleep and it literally smells like something crawled up your asshole and died.. I'm gagging and I feel like I'm eating your fart right now. I want to tape your ass cheeks shut and plug up that canon you call your ass. All I hear is snores and farts.. You are lucky I love you
She just took a mirror selfie at the hospital while in labor.
We had sex in the church bell tower and somehow it still feels right.
you'll probably come home to me baked as fuck and shirtless
This tequila is so bad I might cry. I won't Throw up but I might cry
I came in like 30 seconds, and my dog got to watch me take the walk of shame to the bathroom to clean up. All in all, not my best performance.
My butthole probably tastes like a Cinnabon right now
i feel like i got punched in the face....
you did....
I think I'm the first girl to break a bed with a guy, without even having sex with him while doing so.
Randomize
