On valentines day I took a girl on a date that I suspect was homeless
I failed the drunk obstacle course of trying to find my bed... consolation prize... a sore ankle and "disappointed' parents.
I swear to god he's a one man village people.
uh, 3 redbulls and 400mg of caffeine pills and i still feel like life is in slowmotion..lets not take tranquilizers again.
How do you think the people in my class would react if I ripped all my clothes off and jumped on him right now?
Not sure why, but I was running back and forth across the road. Cab hit me and gave us a free ride home.
He came for an unexpected visit and let's just say I shattered his illusion that girls don't watch porn
I had to help some 40 year old women shoot down some 21 year old who called her his "milf fantasy"
I sent him a bunch of texts telling him that his beard wasn't long enough yet so we couldn't fuck and to text me back in a few hours if it had.
Okay. How did someone manage to piss on TOP of a urinal? What giant is roaming around with a prick five feet from the ground?
They had to stop us from skinny dipping in the reflection pool of the Mormon temple.
I swear she is the Mary Poppins of drugs
Uh I almost got the bride to go down on me. I'm the smoothest maid of honor ever.
Apparently I promised everyone at the party I'd partake in various winter sports with them..
As a gift to myself for being so awesome at being single, I'm going to buy a vibrator
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